Posted by: sistermom1 | May 3, 2012

In a Challenging Place

Lots has happened since I last made time to write.  Several ideas for posts have revealed themselves to me, yet it has been difficult for me to make the effort to write, and I wasn’t sure why.  Then I read one of my favorite MS blogs — Wheelchair Kamikaze.  The blogger almost always has his finger right on the spot that I am feeling, and reading his experience has often helped me explain and understand more about my own journey.  I am including a couple of quotes from his most recent entry:

“MS has wrought an almost incalculable number of extreme changes on my life. Physically, the changes are obvious. Right arm and right leg on the fritz, and I quite often have a wheelchair sprouting from my backside. Changes like that are hard to miss. More difficult to discern are the internal transformations, the changes in mind and spirit.”

Then later…

“MS has stripped away the many trappings of life that had become central to my self identity. High profile job in a “glamour” industry? Gone with the wind… Sexy little sports car? Couldn’t even get into one these days… Fashionable clothes and fancy shoes? Ha! Putting on my socks is now a painful exercise in acrobatics, and I could just as easily use buttons and shoelaces as I could split the atom… All of those externals that once so dominated my definition of self are now mere memories, and in their place I’ve gradually come to know a different me, a me that resembles one that I knew a long time ago, back when I was a child unencumbered by the accouterments of adulthood.

Despite the complexities of being disabled, life in some ways is now a much more simple affair than it was when I was healthy. Absent of the concerns of career and social climbing, I find myself free to pursue my whims and desires in a kind of new found innocence. No longer confined by the boundaries of the workaday world,  I can be as eccentric as I want [or need] to be.”

Although I have yet to celebrate my own eccentricities (at least I think so, but maybe we should ask my husband!), I do agree with the main idea of this post — over the past 5 years I have learned much more about myself.  I have also developed some qualities that my past life would never have given me the space to develop or appreciate:  Patience with myself and others.  Appreciation for the time to be quiet and hear myself think and be.  Paying attention to my thoughts and the energy that they inevitably draw to me and those I care about so deeply.  Being more than OK with what is happening in my life at any moment.  Accepting the daily reality of my life and appreciating it. 

These are many of the gifts that MS has given me — only when I take the time to consider them do they become more real to me.  Reading the Wheelchair Kamikaze blog entry helped me remember and gave me the push I needed to write.  Thanks Marc!


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