Posted by: sistermom1 | January 22, 2012

Who am I Now?

I will never be who I used to be again.  I guess that’s ok — in fact, I could end up being an even better person than I was before MS came into my life.  Before 2005 I was an independent, energetic and busy wife and mother with a hectic personal and professional life.  The “busyness” of my life felt large and important to me then.  I was handling most things for myself, my family and others, and I was enjoying my life — although it was a bit of a juggle.

The pathway to this new way of being in the world is much more difficult and challenging than I could have ever imagined.  This detour — I mean journey — has been one that I am only beginning to examine, and I am just scratching the surface of my understanding.

During my last two physical therapy sessions I have walked further and further.  I am very proud of this progress — and it has not come easily.  Standing with a walker, supporting my own weight, putting one foot in front of the other and being able to move forward is a HUGE accomplishment!!!  I do not take any of it for granted.  (Funny how challenging it is for me to do something that used to be so simple — walking…  MS has truly made me start my life over in many ways.) 

It has been 4 years since I was able to walk at all — almost 7 years since my original MS diagnosis.  They say that time flies when you are having fun — it seems that time flies even though I am not having fun.  So much has happened — four different MS meds (3 self-inject and one infusion), a hip replacement, a stair lift, two wheelchairs, a sliding board, a scooter, a special seat in our car, a baclofen pump, and so much physical therapy.  Along the way, I have begun to see much about my life and the way I interact with the world.  I also am learning much about the importance of my being fully alive in the present moment — being exactly where I am and no place else.  Much of what I have been reading and exposed to throughout this journey focuses on this point .  Three books: Loving What Is, The Power of Now and Quantum Wellness, have come together for me in a major way.  I highly recommend all three to anyone interested in learning about life, and the journey that we are all experiencing.  I am currently re-reading all three.  Combining the education from these books with the  spiritual pathway I am travelling has led me to a series of tremendous revelations, which I deeply appreciate.

So who am I now?  I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I am becoming comfortable with an evolving identity.  I am growing and I do feel myself becoming a stronger, happier and healthier woman.  Even without the professional persona and the huge rolodex I took such pride in having, I do have a large life, and I am still able to make a difference in the lives of my family, those who I am honored to know, and even those I may not ever personally meet.  MS does not define anything important about me.  It is a part of my life right now, and may be a part of my life for the rest of this life.  It is the challenge that I must face (everyone has at least one challege to face in their lives, and this happens to be mine) and through overcoming it,  use it to grow more capable and have more of an impact in the world.

I have said goodbye to the person I used to be.  It is still a bit of a challenge to let her go completely — she was such fun, and a real diva!  I am finding my fun again, thanks to a lot of prayer, reading, connecting with others and consciously moving forward every day.  I do look forward to revealing yet another layer of myself to the universe — layers of the woman I have always been at the core of it all…

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Responses

  1. So be a diva, just one with MS. We could use a little variety around here.

  2. Dear Sister Mom1,

    I understand the path you are taking. It took me 3 years tp learn to walk again and 2 of those years were walking with 2 canes and a back brace BUT walk I did and so will you!

    Keep the faith!

    LadyCrusaderDC

  3. I understand that outer layers of our lives are different now than they use to be, I respect that you have been reading. All books I just may look into as I like he vibe you give, but I bet at the core you are the same. As least that’s what I find for me. MS has not changed the core of who I am, It has given it a chance to appear!

    P.S I told you I’d stop by! When do you release new stories?


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