Posted by: sistermom1 | January 7, 2012

Rainbows in the Clouds

Happy New Year everyone!

This week has been difficult and challenging.  I feel emotionally heavy and unable to move forward in the positive way that I am used to doing.  I just have been unable to shake it — what’s happening to me?  I had greeted the New Year with such promise and positivity.  I just made a great determination to face my challenges openly and happily.  What’s going on? 

According to the MS Society, “Depression” is a term commonly applied to a wide variety of emotional states in MS. These may range from feeling down for a few hours on a given day to severe clinical depression that may last for several months. People with MS and all those closely associated with them should be aware that depression in its various forms is common during the course of multiple sclerosis.”

Perhaps I am dealing with a form of depression.  I have encountered this in the past, but never in a way that affected my behavior. 

I did have a tough session in physical therapy — very tough.  I could not do many of the things that were much easier for me to do several weeks ago.  The therapist reminded me to exercise regularly at home, something that I must push myself to do.  I also started occupational therapy this week for my arm, which has had limited movement since I left the hospital in late-August.

As I have written before, Metro Access is a local shared-ride system that I was recently approved to use.  I have had a real positive experience since starting to use it, but I have had the van all to myself each time.  This week was different.  I had to share the van twice, and another person was a no-show, which almost made me late for my P/T appointment.  In the past I would have expressed my impatience and displeasure strongly.  However, through much reading over the past few months I have been exposed to the idea that my ego is driving my behavior, and just because I feel a certain way does not mean that is the reality.

The year is already full of lessons for me.  I have been forced to accept that this experience is totally my journey, and not to begrudge it.  I also had a meaningful conversation with my 12-year old daughter that was wonderful, heart-wrenching, and deep.  It made me realize that she also has her own journey to navigate (separate from mine), and although I can help her, I need to get out of the way and let her move forward. 

On another note, after the crazy holiday food that I have been enjoying, I am re-reading  The MS Recovery Diet and have started managing my eating more closely.  This can help me better control the MS symptoms that I am experiencing — maybe even the depression?

At this point, what I can say about where I am right now is that I continue to struggle to see the rainbows in the clouds.  The other thing I try to remember is that there may be clouds in the sky, but if you fly far enough above them you can always see the bright sunshine.

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