Posted by: sistermom1 | November 20, 2010

On being emotional

I am not sure what is going on with me lately. 

I find myself crying whenever I see or hear someone sharing their struggle or their story (like in an episode of Oprah).  I also cry whenever I think about my husband and children. I cry when I experience difficulty in the morning making it to the shower, which has been almost every day this week.  My emotionalism may ultimately have very little to do with my health situation, but as someone dealing with the life-changing diagnosis of an auto-immune disease, eveything I experience gets connected with or related to my health on some level.  That is probably not fair and is not productive, but having this diagnosis has truly changed everything about the way I move through the world.

So what can I do?  I continue to find support in my good friends and in my Buddhist practice.  There are also several articles and books that I have been fortunate enough to encounter along my travels, including the Hay House radio broadcasts that I have been hearing.  Inspiration can come from many different places.  I also find great support from my therapist – not so much because of any empathizing that she does, but more because talking to her gives me a bit of a release — and of course it helps that I am paying her to listen to me! 

In talking with her today we stumbled upon something that is a major issue for me – control.  I have blogged about this before, and it has been surfacing with greater frequency these past few weeks.  There is so much of my own life that I no longer control.  Examples?  Well, someone must drive me anywhere I would like to go, I cannot easily get to my kids’ rooms to tuck them in and say goodnight, there are even times when I cannot control my own bladder.  In the past, I have taken great pride in my ability to handle my own business easily — and independently.

Now, things have changed.  I hate that I cannot do many things on my own.  It is frustrating to be so dependent on other people to make anything significant happen in my life.  On the other hand, I have amazing support from all sides — my husband, extended family, and friends….I sometimes feel guilty about needing so much support from them, but they never seem to mind being there for me — even when I haven’t asked.  (Usually because I am too proud!)

The tears come at unusual times — when everything seems to be ok (tears of relief), when I have a more challenging day than expected (frustrated tears — will the rest of my life be like this?), when someone does something for me that I have not asked them to do (enter guilty tears) — they go on and on, but I am learning to accept the reality of my daily life — to be able to move forward with hope and determination.  This is beyond positive thinking — it is being happy regardless of what may be happening — not being negative because of what is happening.

I just read about a new book title that seems to sum it up nicely Glad No Matter What — Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity.  It is by an author named SARK, and I will definitely be checking it out as I continue along this detour…..

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