Posted by: sistermom1 | April 6, 2010

Eradicating Guilt

I must let go of the guilty feelings that I have about my MS diagnosis and it’s impact on my family.  So much of my thinking about my life right now is based on how my illness affects the other people in my life.  My earlier post about our education choices for our children is only the most recent example of this.

I have decided to eradicate guilt from my life.  This is not an easy notion, even for a self-proclaimed “diva” like myself.  Guilt is not an emotion associated with many divas in public life.  For them, most things are someone else’s fault or responsibility and the diva just wants it a particular way – or else someone (never the diva!) pays the price.

Unlike those divas, the guilt I have been feeling over the past 2 years has crippled my ability to make any changes or progress in many parts of my life.  My struggle to define what “winning” looks like given my current health challenges has really kept me locked in a semi-catatonic position.  It has been like being stuck in neutral with my engines revving to prepare to race forward.   Not sure exactly what to do, or how to do it, I remain posed to move to the next challenge – whatever presents itself – but I am unclear how to do it.

This guilt is so unproductive – it really has no redeeming factor at all, and I must let it go.  Here is some of what the guilt has done to me:

It makes me feel badly that the options we have for our children are limited since I am unable to earn the income I once earned.  It makes me worry about whether or not my husband is happy being married to me and whether he would rather be married to someone else,  (it would certainly be easier!).  The guilt prevents me from feeling comfortable asking for help from my wonderful circle of supportive sisterfriends (aren’t they tired of me asking them for favors all the time?  Do they absolutelly dread seeing my number on the caller ID?), and the guilt makes me stay home when I really could be going out having some fun – even though I need a car and driver and a scooter.  I just feel so much worse than I would normally ever feel if things were not as difficult as they are.  Even with the pain that I am in and the real difficulties that I have moving, the first thing I always feel is guilty.

Getting past the guilt is my most recent goal – and with prayer and guidance I am determined to be undefeated —  No matter what.  You know that I will keep you posted from this most recent stop along this detour…..

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Responses

  1. My darling sister, Guilt… I know about guilt and it can be crippling. Guilt is probably one of the most devastating emotions we have to manage. However, it is an emotion… And emotions are controlled by our brain chemistry. Chemicals that reinforce preconceived thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. Well, these are the facts! You are a wonderful sister, mother, daughter and friend! You are inspiring and we love you very very much. No matter how you feel… those are the facts.
    When you feel guilty, think about that!

    • My dear brother,
      What a lovely and powerful response – thank you so much for reading the blog and for taking the time to comment. You are so right about guilt and I am really working on making my most recent determination (eradicating guilt) to bear fruit. It is a slow, but steady process, aided by the support of friends and family! I love you for ever!
      Linda


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