Posted by: sistermom1 | January 9, 2010

I spent this entire week indoors

Along with most of the region since it is so freaking cold outside.  I did go to a doctor’s appointment today – my first one of the year. When my husband and I went outside to head to the office, I realized that I have spent the entire first week of this year in the house. No sunlight.  That’s really not good, and is probably contributing to my general attitude. 

Although I am chanting every day, I have been a bit depressed – not clinically, just a general sadness that I recognize as what often happens to me at this time of the year.  I think it is referred to as SADD – a type of depression related to the relatively early darkness that hapens this time of year.  I have read that depression is a part of what happens when you struggle with an illness like MS.

In my session today, I had a couple of realizations about what I have been feeling:

– I am struggling with issues of control in most parts of my life.  I am not able to go anywhere unaccompanied, which is really difficult for me when I compare it to how I used to live my life.  (Not a productive exercise, but I still do it from time to time…)  I need help to do most of the things that I used to do on my own – cooking, cleaning, shopping, even visiting friends is difficult to do without imposing on someone else to do it.

– It’s like being on an airplane as a blind-folded passenger.  You know that things are happening around you, but you don’t know the final destination, so you have no sense of where you are on the map of your life.

– After several discussions with my therapist about how to define “winning” in my current situation, I determined to celebrate small victories each day rather then looking/waiting for the big, major victory of walking independently.  These small victories acknowledged and savored each day will help me get to the big victory in the future.  I am not sure how far in the future, but I will be much happier along the journey….

– I have had a couple of medical issues this week which have highlighted my lack of control over my own health.   The MS nurse that has worked for my neurologist for 20+ years decided to leave the practice.  I really enjoyed her and felt a strong connection with her, so I am struggling with not feeling abandoned. 

In addition, after a week waiting for a refill of my prescription for a drug that helps manage my nerve pain, my current GP would not approve a prescription renewal without my coming in to the office first.  I was already considering changing my GP to one with more experience with conditons like mine, and this just pushed me over that line. 

Am I being a spoiled baby?  To be honest I am not completely sure, but taking charge of more parts of my life is definitely something that I must do in 2010 to help me feel more in control of what I can do.  I guess that’s one of my resolutions for the New Year.

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