Posted by: sistermom1 | October 16, 2009

A Day of Tears

Some days the tears just come without stopping, regardless of what else is going on in the bigger picture of my life.

This morning, I was able to make it to the shower and step in before my tears started, but once they started I could not stop them.  My physical pain was minimal, but the effort required for me to walk from one room to another was gargantuan.  Something I was not prepared to deal with today.

Like real life, some days with MS are harder than others.  Some days I am able to start with a positive attitude and I can power through my morning routine of stretching and exercising and daily prayers successfully.  Then there are the other days when the act of getting out of bed is a major production. My legs won’t respond to my desire to shift to the edge of the bed, and the urge to pee starts as soon as my bladder is perpendicular to the floor.  (Thank goodness we keep a commode right next to the bed).

My therapist asked me what the tears are really about.  My immediate response is “You’re kidding, right?”, but then I had to stop and think.  My tears are my grief over what I no longer have – a life that is dramatically different than my dreams and hopes outlined. 

Suffering has been defined as a negative difference between the reality you are experiencing and the reality that you desire.  I am really living in that space much of the time.  I cry for the steps I am unable to take – every day.  I cry for the mother I was in the past and can no longer be – at least right now.  I cry because my husband and I cannot be as close as we would like to be without a LOT of arranging/planning in advance.  I cry because if I didn’t, I am not sure what I would do – or could do.  When they are done, the tears give me the emotional space to move forward.  Difficult to explain, but somehow indulging an occasional grieving moment helps me make it through the balance of the day/week.

It is important to have a sufficiently elevated life-condition so that you will be able to calmly accept whatever happens in life, striving to put problems into proper perspective and solving them with a positive attitude.  Happiness blosoms forth from such a strong and all-encompassing life-condition.

These words from my mentor in life, Daisaku Ikeda, have encouraged me since he first uttered them back in 1990, during a visit to the US.  I am determined to have the kind of life that he describes in the quote above, even through the days when it is so much easier to cry.

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Responses

  1. Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess Ill just have to keep checking yours out.
    LOL,

    • Hey Savannah,
      I can relate to not feeling up to starting a blog. I can only encourage you to think about it a bit more. WordPress.com makes it pretty easy. It has really been helpful to me as I deal with my health situation. Please take good care of yourself, and come back soon!

  2. Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?

    • Thanks Polprav! I think that would be absolutely wonderful – thanks for visiting my blog – and I am glad that you saw something that is worth sharing with others! Let’s keep in touch, OK?


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