Posted by: sistermom1 | September 21, 2009

I still need to learn so many things….

This MS has been a strict teacher.  At 50+ years old, I see that I still need to learn many things:
– How to express myself fully without limiting what I say because I am thinking about how other people will feel when they hear it.
– How to tell my husband exactly what I would like him to do to support me, and our family dreams and goals, especially when my way is fundamentally different than his way.
– How to tell my girlfriends how I need them to support me without  my feeling weak or needy.
– How to tell my mother how I need her to support me without hurting her feelings or making her angry when it doesn’t match how she would like to support me.
– How to express my concern when my therapist is drowsy during our weekly session. (Yes, this happened…)
– That how I feel about something does matter, and just because I am more dependent than any of us would like or are comfortable with, I can still be upset with how you are dealing with/handling something that affects me and express it and have you hear me without your feeling badly.

I feel indebted to the many people who help me successfully get through my day.  I deeply appreciate the innumerable things that everyone does for and with me.  I also feel like because I am dependent on others, it is difficult to express any disappointment or displeasure with anything.  It feels ungrateful, and I feel limited – it feels impossible for me to express when I am just in a bad mood – it feels impossible to be all myself most of the time….

Although this was never a problem for me before MS, since becoming so dependent upon other people, I have really had to put my ego and my mouth in check.  This is probably a good thing in general, as I have always felt pretty entitled to whatever positive thing the universe has sent my way, and have never been shy about expressing my opinion about a given thing – regardless of the impact it might have on other people. 

Perhaps this is another set of lessons specifically designed for me – HOW to express myself in an honest and productive way – even when it is something negative/difficult.  In the past it was important for me to do it in a way that doesn’t make too many waves – but is that really important?  Maybe I’m supposed to make some waves and change the status quo of how people deal with me, and what they expect of me now that I have a new reality.  This is truly something that I am struggling with, but I am committed to learning what I need to learn to build a successul and happy life — even if I hurt a few feelings along the way…..

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Responses

  1. I absolutely love your honesty! Yes your reality does change and yes you have to condition the people close you to understand that their’s changes also. Some folks get it immediately and others have to be reminded every now and then. I so look forward to reading more from your blog. I’m going to send an email out to my friends letting them know what you are doing. I’m so excited for you ; )!!!!!!!!

    • Courtney

      Thanks so much for reading my blog and responding!  I really appreciate your comments, and hope that you will keep on reading!

      Linda Burke “Every moment that we are alive — and every interaction we have with every person — is precious.”


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